What Is a Silent Divorce, and How Can We Save Our Marriage?
Written by Cayla Gensler, LPC
Cayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.
Calmness and silence are usually the last words most people would use to describe a traditional divorce --- heated arguments and emotional outbursts are more what comes to mind. For example, maybe one partner’s infidelity led to divorce. But for couples experiencing what’s known as a “silent divorce,” it’s the palpable effects of silence, not visible wreckage, that implodes the marriage.
“Silent divorce” (sometimes called "invisible divorce" or "quite divorce") is a new term that’s used to describe a situation where the emotional connection between partners slowly dwindles away without obvious turmoil or conflict. The couple doesn't get a legal divorce, and often continue to share the same home. But the emotional connection and commitment that define a marriage are gone.
When this happens, one spouse typically feels caught off guard because they were completely unaware of how much the marriage has deteriorated. But although it might feel like the divorce came out of the blue, the signals of trouble are often there before any formal separation.
In this article, I’ll be talking about what a silent divorce is, some signs that it’s affecting your marriage, and what to do if it’s happening to you.
Understanding silent divorce
Silent divorces describe couples who remain legally married but have no emotional engagement. The two are relegated to simply coexisting --- there’s no longer any intimacy or connection there. They're more like roommates than romantic partners.
The term conveys the idea of a relationship that's quietly falling apart without obvious conflict. There is little to no emotional intimacy, meaningful conversation, or shared experiences. Even though the couple may go through the motions of daily life, they live more like aloof roommates than an actual married couple
Many couples may be afraid to go through legal divorce proceedings for various reasons. For example, they might worry about child custody or child support issues. Or they may be wary of financial outcomes of going to court.
Since they don't have many major outward demonstrations of distress or an open confrontation to bookmark the event, these types of “divorce” often go overlooked. In a sense, the very nature of the divorce often lulls partners to sleep, which makes it easy for them not to see the severity of the problem.
Perhaps counterintuitively, the lack of genuine connection can be just as toxic as visible quarrels. At the climax, the relationship may end with one partner suddenly deciding to leave, and the other partner may be blindsided.
Signs of a silent divorce in a woman
Silent divorce can affect, and be initiated by, people of any gender. But studies show that around 70% of divorces were initiated by women. This finding may have to do with the fact that women are more likely to recognize when a relationship is not fulfilling or healthy.
Because of these statistics, it may be helpful to understand some of the signs that a woman is headed toward a more quiet separation. Here are some signs that your wife may be pulling away.
Emotional distance
Being emotionally withdrawn is one of the earliest signs of an invisible divorce. The initiating partner may begin to emotionally distance herself from her spouse. It's not at all uncommon for her to become uninterested in sharing feelings and even wall her partner off in terms of emotional support.
Sharing things like day-to-day experiences, challenges, and even just day-to-day thoughts may become off-limits as she subtly begins to pull back. This withdrawal often happens gradually, and her spouse may not even notice the growing emotional gap until it’s too late.
Lack of communication
It's impossible to overstate the importance of communication in a marriage; communication is key to understanding each other’s needs, resolving issues, and fostering a strong bond. But slowly, as a couple begins to drift away from one another, it could feel like all communication --- even arguments --- has ceased.
Meaningful and frequent conversations may have been the norm, but now they’re likely infrequent and superficial at best. The withdrawing partner could avoid discussing important topics or expressing her true feelings altogether. Conversations might lack depth, and be reduced to mundane subjects like household chores or run-of-the-mill tasks.
Avoidance of intimacy
Physical intimacy also tends to decline. Even everyday tender moments like hugs and kisses can become fleeting, and one or both partners may no longer express a desire for sexual intimacy.
Usually, this change is more than physical; it’s a reflection of a deeper emotional disconnection. Within a marriage, sexual intimacy goes hand in hand with emotional closeness. Its absence usually signals that the emotional bond has weakened.
Behavioral changes
Another significant indicator of a silent divorce can be seen in changes to daily routines and behavior. The partner who's withdrawing might alter her daily habits, spend more time away from home, or focus increasingly on individual activities that don’t include her partner.
She may also seem less engaged in shared activities that were once important, such as social events, hobbies, or spending time with family. These changes indicate a shift in priorities, and can reflect a loss of investment in the relationship.
Loss of shared goals
A healthy marriage often involves shared goals and dreams. However, when a silent divorce sets in, the initiating partner may appear disinterested in pursuing these shared objectives.
Whether it’s planning for future vacations, home renovations, or discussing life goals, the enthusiasm to work together fades away. There's a general indifference towards each other's interests and goals. This loss of shared purpose can create a sense of drifting apart, as the couple may no longer have a unifying vision to work toward.
How to cope with a silent divorce
Dealing with this type of quiet and gradual separation is challenging, especially if neither of you is committed to saving the marriage or coming to terms with the situation. But there are ways to fix your marriage and become close again, even after detachment has set in.
Here are some strategies to cope, whether the goal is to rebuild the relationship or find personal healing.
Communicate openly about feelings
Breaking the silence is crucial during silent divorce. Regardless of if you’re the one initiating the separation or if you’ve just realized your partner is drifting away, it’s important to openly express your feelings --- even if it feels uncomfortable.
Honest conversations can help both of you understand the other's perspective and determine whether you’re both willing to work on rebuilding the relationship. It’s important for you both to listen without judgment so that each person feels heard. Only through open communication can you make important decisions about how to move forward in your marriage.
Engage in self-care practices
During this time, self-care is essential for both parties. Taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health can provide the strength you need to cope with the situation. Self-care practices can include engaging in hobbies, exercising, or seeking relaxation activities like meditation or yoga. Focusing on yourself can help you find a sense of stability and resilience during this tough time.
Establish personal boundaries
Setting boundaries can protect your individual well-being and create a sense of safety in the relationship. This might involve agreeing to give each other space to process emotions or setting limits on certain topics to avoid conflict. Clear boundaries can help each of you feel respected while working through the challenges.
Focus on personal growth and interests
Even within a marriage, personal growth should not be overlooked. Focusing on individual passions, career development, or personal interests can help you reconnect with yourselves, which can sometimes make you stronger as a couple. This period of growth can contribute to a sense of fulfillment, which can either improve the relationship or provide clarity on the next steps if the relationship is beyond repair.
Build a support network
Regardless of the challenges you're going through, having a support network can make a significant difference. Friends, family, or support groups can provide an outlet to share experiences and receive emotional support. Sometimes, just hearing different perspectives or knowing that others have gone through similar experiences may help you feel less alone.
Consider couples counseling or therapy
If you’re both committed to saving the marriage, couples counseling can be highly beneficial. Therapy provides a space to work through unresolved issues, rebuild communication skills, and rekindle your emotional bond. If one partner is unwilling to participate in couples counseling, individual therapy can still offer valuable insights and coping mechanisms to manage the situation.
Get intensive couples’ therapy in Arizona
Silent divorces may not have the obvious signs of conflict, but the emotional disengagement can be just as damaging as overt disputes. Recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps can help you address the underlying issues in your marriage before it’s too late.
Don’t let silent divorce ruin your marriage. At Thrive Therapy Phoenix, our relationship experts offer a wide variety of couples therapy programs that can help you save your relationship. Whether your goal is to strengthen your marriage or to decide, together, that you want to move on, we can help provide clarity.
