Written by Colter Bloxom, LPC

Colter is a licensed psychotherapist and the owner and founder of Thrive Therapy. He specializes in the treatment of anxiety, OCD, anxiety, identity issues, and more.

You know, logically, that your partner loves you and wouldn’t hurt you – but you can’t stop being afraid. They’ve done nothing to betray you, but you can’t bring yourself to trust them. You’ve been through a traumatic experience in the past, and you’re continuing to battle the effects of it. You find yourself wondering: “Can my past trauma ruin a relationship?”

Unfortunately, the hidden signs of trauma in relationships can show up unexpectedly, which can make love and intimacy more challenging. But that doesn’t mean that trauma will “ruin” your relationships forever – trauma survivors can and do develop healthy and happy relationships, but it may require some processing work in therapy.

Today, we’ll talk about what happens when you feel like trauma is ruining your relationship, and how trauma therapy can help.

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You may interpret relationships with other people through a trauma-based lens

Trauma, especially childhood trauma, can be insidious in that it can affect how you see everything, including relationships. If you’ve gone through this, then you might be still interpreting all of your experiences and relationships through that lens. 

The problem is that the trauma-based lens often distorts reality and can make the world – and the people in it – appear threatening, even when you’re safe.

If you’ve gone through a traumatic experience, it can continue to affect you long after. It won’t necessarily “ruin” your relationships – people with trauma can absolutely build healthy and happy relationships, especially with the support of therapy – but it can make you feel and act in ways that make it hard.

Here are some examples:

• Even though your partner loves and is dedicated to you, you constantly worry that they’ll abandon you.
  
  
• You forgo your own needs to meet your partner’s needs, which builds resentment.
  
  
• You don't trust your partner and you project your fears onto them.
• You have a hard time with sexual closeness because you find it triggering.
  
  
• You can’t control emotional or angry outbursts, which leads you to fight.
  
  
• You can’t imagine a future with your partner because you’re not used to imagining a future for yourself (a common phenomenon that affects trauma survivors).
  
  
• You completely shut down and freeze when there’s conflict in your relationship. You don’t feel safe enough to communicate your needs.
  
  
• Everyday situations in the relationship become triggering for you due to unresolved trauma.
  
  
• You try to control your relationship and your partner to feel a sense of safety, which can make them feel stifled.
  
  
• You feel like you’re always on the lookout for your partner to drop some sort of metaphorical bomb on you. You can’t be at ease.
  
  
• You’re in so much emotional pain that it’s difficult for you to meet your partner’s emotional needs.
  
  
• You don’t allow yourself to get deeply close with your partner; you keep them at an arm’s distance.
  
  

Can childhood trauma impact relationships?

Research shows that the trauma you faced as a child can continue to affect you into adulthood. One study found that childhood trauma predicted future relationship problems for adults, especially adults with depression and anxiety. Another found that people who were emotionally abused as children were less likely to have high-quality relationships as adults.

Part of this could be explained by attachment theory, which says that we all build an attachment style when we’re babies which continues to affect our relationships throughout life. We can either develop a secure attachment style – feeling safe and that our needs are met – or an insecure attachment style. 

If you didn’t get your emotional or physical needs met as an infant, then you might have developed an insecure attachment style, which can cause you to be avoidant of emotional closeness or overly fearful of abandonment. This can cause problems in adult romantic relationships, but it’s possible to learn new ways of relating.

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Can trauma make you unable to love?

As a licensed therapist, I’ve worked with so many people who are in emotional pain, whatever the cause – and for many, many of them (more than you might think), the cause is trauma. Whether it happened in childhood or when you were an adult, these experiences can change your worldview and make you start to doubt your own ability to love.

I believe that love is a universal human experience, and one that trauma cannot take away from us. No matter what you’ve gone through, there is still hope for you to love and be in a healthy relationship – although it might require some work in therapy first.

With that said, it’s understandable to wonder about this when you’re a trauma survivor. It might feel like you’re emotionally blunted – like you’re not able to feel any strong emotions at all. Or you might constantly second-guess yourself; you think you love this person, but how can you be sure? 

It’s also often hard to trust others when you are grappling with past trauma, and trust is an important part of a loving relationship. If past trauma is causing you to doubt your partner or keep emotional walls up, then it could be hard to build intimacy and closeness.

Again: Your worries are valid. But that doesn’t mean they’re true. You can heal from what happened to you and build happy, secure relationships with the people you love.

How do I stop past trauma from ruining my current relationship?

Healing from trauma isn’t about forgetting or “getting over” what happened. You may always have memories of the past, but recovery is about processing the experiences and unlearning the core beliefs that may have arisen from it. For example, core beliefs like:

• I am not worthy of love
  
  
• I must perform to be loved
  
  
• I must be perfect to be worthwhile
  
  
• People are not to be trusted
  
  
• Everyone will hurt me eventually
  
  
• Everyone will abandon me
  
  

Core beliefs can affect the way you act and feel in relationships throughout your adult life, even if you learned them in childhood. 

Processing trauma is about identifying these core beliefs that have arisen from trauma and creating a different internal narrative of your life. 

It’s important to note, however, that processing trauma can sometimes make anxiety worse before it gets better – you may have kept these feelings and memories locked away for a long time, and it can be triggering to bring them back out. That’s why it’s so important to do this work only with the support of a licensed therapist. 

A therapist can provide you with a safe environment to process scary memories, uncover your triggers, and learn new ways of being in a relationship. In some cases, family or couples therapy might be recommended to help you and your partner learn how to manage the trauma when it comes up and communicate with each other in healthy ways.

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If past trauma is impacting your relationship, trauma therapy can help

Seeking support for trauma can be scary. You might be tempted to let it lie and try to forget about it and move on. Unfortunately, the effects of trauma can sometimes get bigger when they’re left unaddressed. If triggers are creeping up into your relationships, it may be a sign that you could benefit from the support of a mental health therapist.

Our team of licensed therapists meets you where you’re at – we’ll never force or pressure you into talking about topics that make you uncomfortable. If you need more intensive care, our intensive outpatient program (IOP) is specifically designed for people with trauma and other mental health challenges to come together and learn new skills in a supportive environment.

We also offer individual therapy and group therapy (including our popular Trauma 101 and Trauma 202 groups). 

Get in touch with us by filling out our online form, and one of our team members will get back to you within 48 hours.