How Do You Know When a Relationship Is Over? Here Are The 9 Most Common Warning Signs
Written by Cayla Gensler, LPC. Cayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.
It takes a lot of work to keep a romantic relationship thriving. Any long-term relationship requires communication, emotional intelligence, commitment, and effort. And I do believe that most relationships can be saved, even when you're going through something like infidelity.
But sometimes, it might feel like your relationship is coming to an end. You might feel like you're drifting apart, and be unsure about whether to end things or try to work things out.
Today, I'm going over some key signs that it could be time to end a relationship, and what steps to take if you think your relationship is worth saving.
9 warning signs your relationship is over
Every relationship is different, so there aren’t necessarily “signs that a relationship is over” that apply to every single situation. The most important thing is to consider your needs as well as your partner’s, and decide together whether you want to keep working toward improving the relationship or if it’s better to go your separate ways. At the end of the day, the decision of whether to breakup or keep fighting is up to you.
With that said, these are some common signs that a relationship is headed for trouble. As you read through them, keep in mind that experiencing these signs, especially short-term, isn’t an automatic signal to break up. Use them to help you understand more about your partnership and whether or not the relationship is worth fighting for.
You don’t feel safe
If you don’t feel safe in your relationship, either physically or emotionally, then this is a clear warning signal that needs to be paid attention to. Think about what it is that your partner does that makes you feel unsafe with them. Sometimes, it could be obvious, like physical or emotional abuse. Other times it might be more subtle types of manipulation or criticism.
Leaving an abusive and unsafe relationship can be difficult, but there is support available to you. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text “START” to 88788, or chat online with a trained counselor who can help.
There is a profound lack of trust
Often, even when trust has been broken through a major betrayal like infidelity, it’s possible to repair it with the help of a couples therapist. But if your trust has been broken, maybe repeatedly, and you can’t even imagine a future in which you feel safe enough to be able to trust your partner again, this might be a sign that your relationship is over.
You feel more contempt than affection
The Gottman Method is an evidence-based couples therapy method. This method identifies the “Four Horsemen of Apocalypse,” or four signs that research shows often indicate the end of a relationship. Of these, contempt is the most serious. This is when the feeling that you have for each other is that of disgust and negativity. In other words, you don’t even like each other as people anymore. You might frequently display contempt through sarcastic comments, eye-rolling, and ridiculing.
You can't see a future together
If you just don’t see eye-to-eye in terms of your future, and there’s no compromising, then the relationship might not work out. For example, if one of you wants to have children and buy a house, and the other envisions a child-free future filled with global travel, then that may not be something you can compromise on. It’s not that either of you is “wrong,” but simply that you want different things.
You dread seeing them
This can also be described as “walking on eggshells.” Pay attention to how you feel when your partner gets home. Do you feel excited, or at least neutral about their presence? Or do you find yourself dreading having to be around them? If you dread someone long-term, especially if there are no underlying issues to resolve (like healing from infidelity), then it could be a sign that the relationship has run its course.
You don’t talk anymore and aren't connected
Communication is one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship, and builds emotional connection and intimacy. You don’t need to tell your partner every detail about your day, but if you’re finding that the two of you don’t talk anymore, especially about important issues, then that’s something to pay attention to. For example, if you’ve experienced something major at work, do you desire to tell your partner about it? Are you able to talk through difficult situations, or do you tend to ignore problems?
You’ve had the same argument over and over
Fighting is normal in relationships. But if the same themes keep coming up in arguments, then that could be a sign of trouble. For example, maybe you and your partner argue repeatedly about household chores or finances. If you’ve tried to solve the problem repeatedly, including with professional support, and you still can’t seem to work it out, then it could be time to call it quits.
You don’t share the same core values
Values are an essential part of who we are, and for many of us, it takes some time to figure out what our core values truly are. Your values may have also changed as you’ve gotten older. If you don’t share the same values, and – most importantly – if you can’t respect and appreciate each other’s values, then this could become a serious problem.
You’re not willing to put in effort
If one or both of you is beyond the point of wanting to work on the relationship, then the relationship may be beyond saving. Even couples therapy will be ineffective unless both of you are ready to prioritize your relationship and commit to improving and healing it. Relationships take effort. If you’re not willing to make the effort, then no couples therapist can help you.
How to fix a broken relationship and rebuild intimacy
If you've decided that you want to work on not only saving, but strengthening your relationship, then seeking out professional support can help – and is sometimes necessary. A couples therapy can help you:
- Rediscover emotional and physical intimacy together
- Make future plans that respect both of your desires and needs
- Reignite lost interest in the mundane details of each other’s lives
- Learn new communication and conflict resolution skills
- Get out of the same old patterns that have been getting in the way of your relationship
- Identify the important roles that each of you play in your relationship
- Learn how to not only love, but like each other
Couples Counseling Phoenix AZ
At Thrive Therapy, we offer services for couples that go beyond just weekly couples counseling, which may not be enough when you’ve already tried everything and you’re at the point where you’re wondering whether or not to keep trying.
- Couples Intensives
Couples Intensives offer a focused, two-day experience for those seeking to address deeper issues or resolve conflict in a shorter time frame. This option is perfect for couples wanting to break out of negative patterns and create lasting change, especially if weekly therapy isn't feasible due to time constraints. - Thriving Couples
Thriving Couples is a monthly workshop designed to strengthen emotional connection through education and interactive activities. Each session focuses on key areas like trust, communication, and intimacy. - Hold Me Tight
Hold Me Tight is an ongoing monthly date night workshop focused on building deeper emotional bonds and improving communication. Through guided exercises, discussions, and practical strategies, couples will learn how to navigate challenges and strengthen their connection.
You can get your relationship back. Get in touch with us for more information.
