Surviving Infidelity: How to Fix a Marriage After Cheating
Written by Cayla Gensler, LPC
Cayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.
Every intimate relationship comes with its ups and downs. A marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment to someone who you envision yourself growing old with. You might be prepared for certain issues like financial troubles, not having enough time for one another, or just run-of-the-mill bickering — but infidelity is not a bridge anyone ever hopes to cross.
Unfortunately, research shows that cheating is common in marriages. Approximately 23% of men and 13% of women admit to cheating. Other research has shown that infidelity happens in approximately 25% of marriages.
Despite these numbers, there is hope. Research suggests that when both partners are willing to address the issues and invest in rebuilding their connection, healing is possible. Regaining trust takes time, but open communication and a shared goal of reconciliation can allow you to emerge even stronger than before as a couple.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution on how to fix a marriage after cheating. The act of infidelity causes deep emotional devastation in a marriage, and leaves the betrayed partner feeling hurt, confused, and insecure.
The foundation of trust is shaken, and the road to healing may seem overwhelming. Despite the intense pain, it's important to know that with effort, commitment, and professional support, many couples have successfully repaired their relationships after an affair.
Ultimately, the decision to forgive and recommit isn't easy, and it’s 100% your decision to make. Only you can determine whether to move forward with the relationship or choose a different path.
If you do decide to try to save your marriage after this type of betrayal, here are some insights that could help.
Can a marriage survive infidelity?
Yes, a marriage can recover from an affair if both partners are genuinely committed to repairing the damage that’s been done. It does take time, but through mutual dedication, couples can start fresh after an affair has occurred.
Studies have shown that around 20% of couples who experience infidelity are still married five years later, and their levels of happiness and commitment are similar to couples who haven’t faced infidelity. These results show promise that even though it's difficult, learning how to save a marriage after an affair is a challenge many couples successfully conquer.
Marriage counseling helps. Couples who seek therapy in their marriage after an affair often experience significant improvements in their relationship, comparable to those who seek therapy for non-infidelity issues. These findings show that a broken marriage can be repaired — even strengthened — if you're both willing to put in the work.
The biggest point to consider is whether both parties are willing to address the underlying issues and give it all they have to make things work. The good news is that there's light at the end of the tunnel, and no one can judge your situation but you and your spouse. If you’re both truly happy in your relationship, that’s all that matters.
5 tips for how to fix your marriage after cheating
If you decide to take the route of rebuilding, it's critical to focus on clear actions and allow space for emotional healing. Here are some tips that can help guide your efforts as you begin the process of repairing your marriage after infidelity.
Begin to rebuild trust gradually
It's so important to remember that as easily as the trust was broken after cheating, it will take a substantial amount of time to gain your spouse's trust back. It's a gradual process that requires patience on both ends.
Consider that depression, anxiety, and anger are all emotions that will be on repeat when the wounds are still fresh. It’s essential to validate your partner's feelings regarding what happened. People experience things differently, and may latch onto one aspect of the affair over another.
For example, men tend to be more hurt by sexual cheating, while women will be more disturbed by emotional affairs, according to studies regarding the impact on individuals in relationships where extramarital affairs occurred. It’s essential to respect your partner’s emotional process even if you think you’d feel differently.
Identify infidelity triggers
After one partner has been unfaithful, certain places, scents, conversations, or even events can trigger emotional responses tied to the affair. It can be helpful to identify what triggered the infidelity in the first place and take steps to manage these triggers.
For example, the person who had the affair may want to be mindful of too much social media time if talking to people online was previously the first step toward infidelity. There may need to be changes made to how much alcohol is consumed and when. Pay attention to anything that makes the non-cheating spouse feel like their partner is distracted or possibly falling into the same behavior.
Recognizing these triggers allows both partners to address them constructively. By avoiding or managing triggers, couples can minimize conflict and emotional setbacks, and create an environment that’s more conducive to rebuilding the relationship.
Accept the process of healing
Remember that the healing process is a long, non-linear journey. The road toward forgiveness and reconciliation is filled with baby steps. The loss of intimacy that happens after an affair can lead to long-term trauma, so it’s important to respect the process as such. It’s not just about “forgive and forget”; it’s about taking steps to heal from the betrayal and trauma.
Acknowledging the need for time and space for emotions like anger and shame can help prevent additional harm and allow for healthier conversations moving forward. It's uncomfortable, and sometimes messy --- but in the end, it's necessary.
Take concrete steps
Taking clear, tangible steps is crucial for the next phase in the relationship. This may involve actions like scheduling regular check-ins, agreeing on boundaries, or making shared commitments to strengthen the bond. These small steps help establish trust again and demonstrate a joint effort to the union.
For example, one key step toward healing for many couples, regardless of what type of infidelity took place, is ending all contact with the affair partner and making necessary lifestyle changes. Mutual transparency and consistency are essential in helping to restore trust over time.
It's hard to overstate the importance of patience, empathy, and understanding in these situations. It takes strength to deal with the baggage that comes with infidelity.
The betrayed partner has to be willing to forgive and show their spouse that they're still going to be emotionally available. The spouse that was unfaithful has to understand that they have to work to earn their partner's trust again. There will be a lot of delicate and painful feelings, but it's not insurmountable.
Seek professional support
You might feel like you can talk it out on your own and come to an agreement on how to move forward, but that usually isn't as successful as people think. It can be enormously helpful to have a neutral, third party present whose primary focus is to facilitate a productive conversation in a safe space where each side can be heard.
Couples therapy can play a significant role in helping couples work through the emotional complexities of infidelity. Seeking professional guidance can allow couples to get through difficult conversations, learn communication strategies, and address problems in the relationship that they may not have been aware of.
Fix your marriage after cheating with Thrive
Infidelity is crippling, and causes so many problems in a marriage. But with the right amount of hope, love, teamwork, and professional therapy, your marriage can survive after an affair — if you want it to.
For many years, our experienced couples therapists at Thrive Therapy Phoenix have been helping Arizona couples get their spark back and strengthen their bonds after relationship traumas like affairs. You can choose to work with us in couples counseling, couples intensives, or our popular Hold Me Tight therapeutic date-night weekends.
