How to Stop the Cycle of Fighting in a Relationship

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Written by Cayla Gensler, LPC

Cayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.

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No relationship is perfect, and arguments will happen — no doubt about it. But fighting with your partner doesn’t need to be your “normal,” and too many arguments aren’t good for any couple. Excessive arguing can be mentally, physically, and emotionally draining, and can leave you feeling stuck.

In reality, it's absolutely fine to feel frustrated and even unsure about how to move forward when you’re caught in a cycle of fighting in your relationship. But I can offer some hope: it’s possible to break the cycle. If you’re able to zero in on why these fights happen and learn better communication tools, you and your partner can work together to create a stronger relationship.

Getting into a cycle of fighting doesn’t mean that your relationship is a lost cause. It just means there may be an underlying factor that needs your undivided attention.

Let’s get into the reasons you and your partner might be getting into a cycle of fighting, and how you can stop it.

Why do my partner and I fight so much?

Every couple fights, especially about one-time annoyances or  conflicts that pop up from time to time. But recurring fights aren't about a stand-alone issue, and they don't materialize out of nowhere. Usually, these recurring fights reflect deeper issues in your relationship that you and your partner may not even be aware of. If you’re fighting in the relationship regularly, there may be an underlying pattern that’s causing it.

Here are some common reasons couples fight:

• Miscommunication or assumptions: As you get to know your partner, it's easy to assume things about them out of familiarity. So, you may think that they mean one thing, but they mean another. For example, when your partner says, “I’m tired,” you might 
• assume they don’t want to spend time with you, even though they’re just sharing how they feel.
• Differences in values, goals, or expectations: When you don’t think the same way about important issues, it could be difficult not to fight about it. For example, money is often a huge topic of disagreement between couples. Perhaps one of you values saving money while the other doesn't mind spending. Differing perspectives like these can create tension, especially if they remain unspoken. Disagreeing on parenting styles, career goals, or even something as simple as how to spend weekends can lead to recurrent fights for many couples.
• Feeling unheard or unappreciated: The importance of being seen and heard by your partner can't be overstated. When you feel like your partner doesn’t see your efforts or listen to you, it can hurt deeply. You might lash out or shut down instead of addressing the real issue.
• External stressors: Life ebbs and flows, and we all go through periods where it feels like everything is out of whack. Work, finances, or family problems might spill over into your relationship, which makes arguments more likely. Even if you’re not fighting about these external problems themselves, any stress outside your relationship can make small issues seem bigger than they are.
• Unresolved past hurts: Old issues can also resurface during fights, sometimes when the topic isn't even related. For example, a fight about who takes out the trash might actually be about feeling unvalued for months. Or what we call “baggage” can come into play — one way that unresolved trauma can “ruin” your relationship.‍
• Lack of conflict resolution skills: Sometimes, it’s simply about a lack of conflict resolution and communication skills. Long-term relationships don’t come with a guidebook, and so many of us weren’t given positive models growing up. When you don't have the tools to manage disagreements, arguments can escalate quickly. Instead of solving problems, you end up in the same cycle of fighting. The good news is that, just like any other, these skills can be learned and practiced.

How to stop fighting in a relationship

It's not productive to fight all the time, and it’s probably not making you happy, either. But arguments don’t have to define your relationship. You can take steps to stop the cycle and connect in healthier ways. Here’s how to stop fighting in a relationship and make changes that stick:

Take a pause and calm down

When things heat up, step away for a moment. Walk into another room or take a few deep breaths. This helps you avoid saying something you’ll regret later. Once you calm down, return to the conversation with a clearer mind.

Taking a pause doesn’t mean ignoring the problem. It shows respect for your partner and the relationship. It also gives you time to think about what you really want to say.

Don’t just suddenly walk away from arguments — explain to your partner that you need a break. You might say something like, “I love you, and I think this is an important conversation. But I think I’m too heated for this talk to be productive right now. Can you give me some time to recenter? I’d love to continue discussing this later when we can talk about it more calmly.”

Focus on “I” statements, not blame

Playing the blame game is counterproductive and it makes people feel defensive. To address an issue, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try, “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t get help with chores.” This approach invites your partner to listen instead of feeling attacked.

Using “I” statements shows that you take responsibility for your own feelings. It also keeps the conversation focused on solving the issue, not pointing fingers at one another.

Understand your triggers

Stay attentive and look for usual triggers that are likely to set off a fight. Is it a specific tone, phrase, or action? Reflect on why these moments in particular make you feel sensitive. Sharing your triggers with your partner can also help them avoid unintentionally hurting you.

Take a basic example like cooking; if you feel very hurt by your food being criticized, explore these feelings and think about why. Does it bring you back to a childhood experience? Are you insecure about being inadequate? If you’re able to get to the root of the problem, you may be better able to react differently and explain your feelings to your partner in an insightful way.

Address the issue, not the person

When there is a conflict, try your best to address the conflict directly instead of criticizing your partner themselves. Make the immediate problem the object of your discussion — for example, if you happen to argue about spending money, work together on a budget instead of accusing each other of being careless. This can be easier said than done when emotions are flying high, but  

When you keep the discussion about the issue, you avoid turning it into a character assassination. This approach makes it easier to find solutions and it strengthens your relationship.

Ways to stop the cycle of fighting in relationships and have a productive conversation

Like I mentioned earlier, so many of us get stuck in these cycles of fighting because we’re simply not equipped with the communication tools needed to build and maintain a healthy relationship. If you feel like every conversation with your partner turns into an argument, which can lead you to avoid talking to them altogether.

But avoidance of these issues doesn’t make your relationship better. If this is a concern, here are some tips to communicate with your partner without it turning into a fight:

• Schedule time for difficult conversations: Pick a calm, distraction-free time to talk about serious issues. Don’t try to resolve problems when one of you feels stressed, tired, or upset. If you plan ahead, it helps you both feel more prepared. Scheduling also shows that you respect each other’s time and emotions. It lets both of you fully focus on the conversation with no outside interruptions.
  
  
• Use a calm tone and body language: Your words matter, but so do your actions. A calm voice, relaxed posture, and steady eye contact make your partner feel safe and respected. For example, did you know that crossing your arms or raising your voice can unintentionally make your partner feel defensive? Try to be mindful of your body language to facilitate a more open and supportive atmosphere.
  
  
• Focus on understanding, not “winning”: Neither person should enter a conversation trying to win the fight. The real goal is understanding each other. Ask questions like, “Can you tell me more about how you feel?” to show you care about their perspective. When you enter conversations with curiosity, you learn more about your partner’s needs and feelings. This deepens your connection and makes future arguments less likely.
  
  
• Seek compromise, not perfection: No relationship is perfect, and no one gets everything they want all the time. Meet your partner halfway. Small compromises build trust and show you value their needs. Compromise might look like splitting chores differently or agreeing to alternate weekends for activities. The goal is to find solutions that work for both of you, not just one person.
  
  

How couples therapy can help

Sometimes, stopping the cycle of fighting feels overwhelming to do on your own. Couples therapy provides a safe space to explore your relationship and learn new skills.

Therapists can help you identify patterns, understand each other’s needs, and practice healthier communication. Couples therapy isn’t just for relationships in crisis; it’s also a tool for growth and connection if these fights are just beginning to come up. It's highly beneficial to have a neutral third party to mediate.

Break the cycle: Get intensive couples therapy in Phoenix, AZ

Fighting in a relationship is exhausting, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Relationships take work, but if you value your partner and want to make it work, then it's worth the effort. With patience and practice, you and your partner can break the cycle of fighting and build a more supportive, loving partnership.

At Thrive, we offer intensive support for couples who are committed to getting to the root of their conflicts. Choose from intensive, focused solutions (like our Hold Me Tight weekend workshops) or ongoing monthly support to maintain the health of your relationship (like our Thriving Couples date night group sessions). Thrive is here for you, every step of the way.

Get in touch with our team for more information about all of our programs!

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