Taking a Break: Can a Temporary Separation Save My Marriage?
Written by Cayla Gensler, LPC
Cayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.
You get married promising, “Til death do us part.” But when troubles arise in your relationship, it might seem like everything is up in the air. You’re struggling to make it all make sense. If you’ve found your way to this blog, you’re likely at a challenging and emotionally exhausting place in your marriage.
You may feel like you’ve tried everything, but the same problems keep coming back, and you don't know if there’s any way to move forward together. In these moments, it’s natural to feel lost, frustrated, and, most of all, uncertain. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and you’re certainly not alone in considering options you might never have thought of before, like a temporary separation.
Even though it can feel like a drastic step, taking a break doesn’t have to spell the end of your marriage. In fact, for some couples, a separation can help rekindle connection, trust, and appreciation.
I’m not recommending that you get a separation. This isn’t a decision that should be taken lightly, and it’s important to talk to your partner about how it might help to heal your marriage. But if you do choose to go through this route, here is everything you need to know.
Can a trial separation save a marriage?
For some couples, a separation could be the first step toward divorce. However, taking a break isn’t necessarily a step toward ending things for every couple. And you might feel like you want to avoid separating at all costs. When arguments feel unending or you’re weighed down by unresolved issues, it can be tough to imagine how time apart could help.
But in some situations, a temporary separation could give both partners the space to slow down, reflect, and understand what’s really happening in the relationship. Marriage is a different journey from couple to couple, and every relationship has its own unique rhythm, challenges, and strengths. Sometimes, stepping back for a while allows each person to see things with fresh eyes, gain perspective, and find a renewed sense of self.
To be clear, I’m not saying that a separation would be a positive thing for every marriage, including yours. For some couples, a separation could be the start of the end. But it’s important to understand the risks and benefits of any decision you make.
Do married couples get back together after separation?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer here. Some couples find that separation allows them to take a breath and see their relationship through a new lens. Admittedly, research in this area is somewhat limited, but it may help to know that separated couples do sometimes find their way back to each other.
In fact, according to a study shared on Psychology Today, around 15% of separated couples end up rekindling their relationship. That’s far from a guarantee that you’ll get back together, but it’s a sign that taking a break can create room for healing and growth, and has the potential of eventually bringing couples closer together.
For some people, a trial separation could be a chance to step out of old patterns and to focus on individual healing, which can benefit the relationship as a whole.
Can a separation be good for a marriage?
As counterintuitive as it may sound, a separation can sometimes strengthen a marriage. There's a lot of stigma around the idea of separating from your spouse, but it's worth noting that some couples who go through a period apart come back to a relationship that’s stronger and more resilient than before.
In fact, among couples who choose to remarry their former spouse after divorcing them (around 6%), about 30% remain together without divorcing again — compared to the 60% of second marriages overall that end in divorce, this is a huge improvement. These findings suggest that, for some couples, coming back together after marital separation can improve intimacy and connection.
Some of the more specific benefits of a separation could include the following.
Get some clarity and distance
One of the immediate benefits of a separation is the clarity that distance can bring. When you’re both caught in the same cycle of arguments, misunderstandings, or simple routines, it can be challenging to see things objectively. It's so easy to get lost and lose touch with how you feel about your spouse --- especially if you're trying to save your marriage after something like infidelity.
In some instances, a separation can create a pause that lets each of you reflect on the relationship without the daily pressures and emotions that might cloud your judgment.
With that space, you may be able to recognize issues that were previously hard to see, like unspoken needs or patterns of behavior that keep leading to the same old conflicts. This break from the day-to-day dealings with each other can offer you a new perspective on what’s working, what isn’t, and what changes might actually make a difference moving forward.
Take time for yourself
Being in a relationship often means prioritizing “us” over “me” --- which can be fulfilling, but also lead to feeling disconnected from yourself. It’s similar to the advice that’s often given to new parents: their role as a parent is very important, but they shouldn't lose sight of who they are in the process. The same is true here: being a good partner doesn't mean that you have to abandon time for yourself.
A trial separation might help you to reconnect with your personal needs, values, and goals. When you take time to figure out your own identity, you may realize what really matters to you. Maybe you've been neglecting yourself, and it's boiling over and spilling into your marriage.
This self-awareness can be incredibly powerful. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up on the relationship; you’re giving yourself the tools to be a healthier and more grounded partner. The space can give you both a chance to heal individually, which can strengthen your relationship if you choose to come back together.
Understand the relationship dynamics (and how you contribute to them)
Relationships often develop patterns that feel nearly automatic. Sometimes, we might react to our partner without even thinking, or get stuck in habits that may no longer serve us. A separation can give each of you the space to examine these dynamics, to see how your actions contribute to the issues in your marriage, and to understand what shifts might be needed.
This isn’t about blaming yourself or your partner --- try not to assign fault to any one party alone. Instead, you’ll want to do some deep diving and acknowledge the ways you both play a role in the relationship’s challenges. Your ultimate goal is healthier communication, empathy, and understanding if you decide to come back together in the future.
Rethink your priorities and goals
You have shared goals as a couple, and individual goals. If you decide to take a step back, it can help you clarify your priorities and values. When you’re constantly immersed in daily life together, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s most important to you. A break can help couples reconsider what's vital to their relationship.
A separation helps you to reflect on your long-term goals and whether they align with your partner’s vision for the marriage. What does happiness look like for you? What kind of future do you want to build? Sometimes, this period of reflection during separation can allow you and your partner to realize that you can support each other’s goals in new ways or even find shared dreams that you hadn’t focused on before.
Ground rules of marriage separation
If you and your spouse have decided to move forward with separation, you'll need to come together to establish ground rules that cater to both of your needs. These guidelines can help set you up for success so that the separation serves its purpose as a time of growth and reflection rather than causing more harm.
1. Decide on the length of the separation. A clear timeline can give you a sense of security and prevent the separation from feeling like an indefinite break.
2. Establish communication boundaries. Think about how often you want to communicate and under what circumstances. Some couples find it helpful to check in weekly, but others prefer to only talk when absolutely necessary.
3. Discuss dating or seeing other people. This is a delicate topic, but it's non-negotiable in terms of hashing out the details to prevent misunderstandings. Some couples choose to focus solely on themselves during a separation, but others may be open to the idea of seeing others.
4. Set financial arrangements. Money can be a source of tension, so it’s wise to agree on how you’ll handle household expenses, bills, and personal spending during this time.
5. Establish boundaries around family and friends. It's beneficial to limit outside opinions about the decisions you make in your marriage. It'll help you both stay focused on what you want and need, instead of being influenced by other people's expectations or judgments.
Skim through these example rules to get an idea of how a lot of couples might approach separation, but remember to personalize this framework. A separation should be a safe, supportive time for both of you, and each couple’s needs are unique.
How marriage counseling can help
Marriage counseling can be very helpful, and often even necessary, during this time. Counseling can serve as a neutral space to explore complex emotions, improve communication skills, and gain insights that may not come to light on your own.
When you’re left to have these conversations on your own, they might not go so smoothly. You might have a vested interest in just defending your side of the story, and ignoring things your partner says that make you feel uncomfortable.
A therapist can help you both to see the situation from different perspectives and to communicate in a way that feels safe and productive. Many couples find that therapy gives them the tools they need to address underlying issues and make changes that strengthen their relationship.
Intensive couples therapy in Arizona
A separation isn’t right for every couple. But if that’s the route you choose, we’re here to walk that path with you. Our experienced couples therapists at Thrive Therapy Phoenix have been helping Arizona couples get their spark back for decades. We offer weekend couples intensives and our popular Hold Me Tight therapeutic date-night weekends.
Get in touch with us whenever you’re ready to invest in your relationship, and we’ll get your first session booked.
