Walkaway Wife Syndrome: What Does it Look Like, and Is it Possible to Survive it?
Written by Cayla Gensler, LPC
Cayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.
Relationships require effort from both partners, and when one person feels unheard or neglected, it can lead to an emotional disconnect. This can lead to “walkaway wife syndrome" --- a term that describes when, seemingly out of nowhere, women leave their marriage after years of feeling ignored. To her partner, the decision to leave the marriage feels sudden and shocking, because he had no idea she was even thinking of divorce.
But for the wife, it’s often been a long, silent process of giving up. He wants to save their marriage, but it's just too late.
In this article, I’ll explore what this phenomenon really means, why it happens, and what can be done to prevent it.
What is “walkaway wife syndrome,” exactly?
“Walkaway wife syndrome ” describes when a woman suddenly — or at least suddenly in the eyes of her partner — decides to leave the relationship. The partner may be shocked by her decision, because he hadn’t been aware that anything was wrong. But, for months and even years before walking away from the marriage, the wife had been planning her exit strategy.
In other words, even though it may seem, on the outside, that she decided to leave impulsively in the spur of the moment, this couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, she's often simply given up. Fighting feels like it’s no longer productive or even worthwhile. She's disconnected and uninvested.
The term was originally coined by therapist Michele Weiner-Davis in an online Psychology Today article, and it’s taken off from there — in large part because so many women saw themselves in this term. It's also sometimes called "neglected wife syndrome," although these can sometimes refer to two different things.
“Walkaway wives” have lost hope in improving their relationships. When she reveals her intention to divorce, her partner may suddenly want to change — for example, they may start helping out more around the house, being more romantic, or finally agree to go to couples therapy — but, for the wife, it’s often too little, too late.
Partners of any gender can fit this description, but it’s a phenomenon that often affects women in monogamous relationships with men. I could make guesses at why that is, but we really don’t have enough research on it yet to know for sure.
To be clear, even though we refer to it casually as a “syndrome,” to be a walkaway wife is not a mental health condition or diagnosis. It doesn’t mean that, if you’re thinking about walking away, that you have a mental illness or that something is wrong with you. It might be more accurate to call it the walkaway wife phenomenon.
Warning signs of walkaway wife syndrome
Walkaway wife syndrome doesn’t happen in clear stages, and every person has their own timeline. Some people may decide relatively quickly that they’re done with the relationship while for others it could take years.
However, generally, these are some warning signs of walkaway wife syndrome.
- In the early years of marriage, the partner may be vocally unhappy in the relationship. She brings her concerns up to her partner. The partner may fel like she's she’s “nagging.” Arguments may be frequent. She may repeatedly request to go to couples counseling only to be met with refusals. Her partner may be annoyed, but it's actually a sign that she's devoted to the relationship.
- After repeatedly not having her needs met, the “walkaway wife” begins to disengage. She may suddenly feel more “relaxed” about the problems that bothered her before. She no longer even brings these issues up.
She spends more time with friends, and may or may not seem bored or aloof when her partner is around. It might seem like her partner is “getting away with” behaviors that used to bother her before. From her partner’s perspective, things are great – he’s able to do whatever he wants without his wife “nagging” him. But there are no longer meaningful conversations being had about these issues. - Internally, the wife begins to pull away as well. She’s realized that no matter what she says or tries, her needs won’t be met in this relationship. She’s tired of putting one-sided effort in, and being treated like the villain when she brings up her concerns.
Often the wife will begin investing in relationships in hobbies that don’t involve him. If the wife isn’t already financially stable, she may try to find ways to become more independent. She's looking for an exit strategy. - Then, one day, the wife matter-of-factly announces that she’s filing for divorce. This often comes after a big life event, like the children going off to college or a parent’s death. Her partner is stunned. “But she’s seemed fine! She hasn’t even asked me to do anything! I thought we’d worked it all out and she’d gotten over this stuff.”
The partner may try desperately to save the marriage, improving all of the behaviors that bothered his wife. But the wife no longer cares. She has already made the decision to end things.
Can you prevent divorce and save the marriage?
Sometimes, there is a fifth stage of walkaway wife syndrome: the one in which the wife decides to stay. But how can couples get there, and is it always the best option?
Here are some tips that may help you try to save your marriage if you're experiencing walkaway wife syndrome.
Focus on prevention
First off, the easiest way to deal with walkaway wife syndrome is to prevent it from happening in the first place. If your partner has approached you with aspects of the relationship that make them unhappy or that they’d like to change, understand how important it is to listen and validate. Relationships take effort. It’s essential to invest both in the relationship and in being the best version of yourself. Don’t wait until your marriage hits rock bottom to be willing to make changes.
Validate and take responsibility
Now is not the time to try to make excuses for poor behavior. If your partner has told you they want a divorce, validate their feelings. It’s tempting to attack them for leaving the life you’ve built together. It’s understandable to be devastated. But trying to make excuses for all of the things that have led them to make this decision will only make things worse. Take accountability for the ways in which you’ve hurt or disappointed your partner. Offer a sincere apology. Ask your wife what you can do to rekindle the relationship.
Keep lines of communication open
If you are the “wife” in this situation, try keeping communication open. It’s tempting to give up on the relationship and disengage from your partner, but you deserve to have your needs heard and met. Communicate your dealbreakers early on, and be clear with your partner when they aren’t making you happy. No one can tell you whether or not divorce is the best solution. But when you start to disengage, this could be the beginning of the end for your relationship.
Go to couples’ therapy
Couples counseling is a helpful resource for all couples. Don’t wait until you see signs that your relationship is over to invest in professional support. If you’ve never been to therapy together, I would suggest that you try it before completely giving up on the relationship. You may feel like the relationship is over – you’ve suffered so much over the years, and that is valid. At the same time, couples therapy can help you communicate and listen to one another, and you may learn new things about your partner that you hadn’t considered before.
Prevent walk away wife syndrome with couples therapy
At Thrive Therapy in Phoenix, AZ, we offer a range of couples services designed to help you break negative patterns and strengthen your emotional connection. Whether you need intensive, focused support or ongoing workshops to build trust and communication, we provide options that go beyond traditional weekly therapy.
Contact us today to learn how we can help you restore and enhance your relationship.
