In this episode, we are continuing with James and Amy and their protective moves–today we dive into the concept of avoidance and how it manifests in relationships, especially during conflicts or challenging situations. Avoidance can take on various forms, like flight, freeze, or collapse, and often occurs when someone feels emotionally overwhelmed or fears the discomfort of confrontation. The discussion highlights how avoidance is not about avoiding the partner but rather the pain or discomfort that comes with difficult emotions and unresolved issues.

Key Discussion Points:

• Where Avoidance Comes From: When we are avoiding, we are NOT avoiding our partner, we are avoiding conflict, pain or discomfort. When you use logic based strategies you may recognize that you can’t come to a solution that is going to make both of you happy, then your mind “says” it's easier to just not talk about it, because I don’t want to be unhappy / “lose”, nor do I want my partner to either. Most avoidance responses are flight, freeze, or collapse.
• How to Recognize Avoidance: The fear of feeling shame or the pain beneath it can make people retreat from difficult conversations, so it is important to recognize how your body and mind react during avoidance is key. Some people experience blank thoughts, while others feel an overload of racing thoughts or physical shutdown. The episode discusses examples of avoidance in real-life scenarios, such as partners avoiding difficult conversations by shutting down or deflecting. If you use this protective strategy, how do you catch yourself moving towards avoidance?
• Reprogramming Avoidance: How to recognize when avoidance strategies are being employed and the importance of naming those feelings. Discussing the need to develop new, emotionally safe ways to set boundaries and commit to revisiting issues later. One key to overcoming avoidance is being vulnerable with your partner about your fears and needs. Example strategies include slowing down conversations, naming what feels overwhelming, and giving a specific timeline for revisiting difficult discussions. By identifying and acknowledging avoidance patterns, couples can take steps toward more open, emotionally safe conversations that foster connection rather than disconnection.

In the end, overcoming avoidance takes time and practice. It's not about avoiding conflict but learning to navigate it in a way that feels emotionally safe and manageable. It's about recognizing our triggers, being honest with ourselves and our partners, and taking small steps toward more open, connected communication. By doing so, we create opportunities for deeper understanding and stronger emotional bonds in our relationships.