On this episode of Relatable, Colter, Lauren, and Cayla discuss the concept of defensiveness in communication, particularly within relationships. Defensiveness occurs when individuals feel attacked or shamed, leading them to respond by justifying their actions or shifting blame. This behavior often results in a disconnect between partners and can invalidate the other person's feelings. The podcast emphasizes the importance of empathetic listening and understanding before responding, as immediate defensiveness can hinder connection and communication.

Key Discussion Points:

• Defensiveness vs gaslighting: Sometimes defensiveness gets mislabeled as gaslighting. While the feelings of the recipient may feel the same, the intention is quite different. Gaslighting is using a strategy intentionally to get a reaction or to try and see something a certain way because someone is manipulating you. Defensiveness comes from trying to communicate what it is like to be you so someone can see your perspective to avoid shame or disappointment. Not trying to intentionally manipulate, just had a different experience.
• Impacts of Defensiveness: When defensiveness is defined as a disconnecting strategy, the opposing question is: “so should I never defend myself?” The answer is no. As mentioned above, so defensiveness comes from wanting to provide some clarification. There are some seldom benefits to defensiveness; however, the negative impacts far outweigh them. Defensiveness creates invalidation, making partners feel unheard and unsafe to express their feelings which can hinder constructive communication and emotional connection. Can you recognize when you are speaking out of defensiveness to protect versus defensiveness to provide clarity? How do you see that affect the conversation with your partner moving forward?
• Self-Awareness/Raw Spots: When someone feels like their behavior is criticized, they move to “well I would(n’t) have done this if you had(n’t) done that” to justify our behaviors. If we are able to recognize personal triggers that lead you to defensiveness, you can become more aware and keep yourself accountable. Likewise, sharing these triggers with your partner can promote understanding and reduce defensive reactions. When defensiveness comes up (or before it does), ask some questions: “Is there anything that I know I did that I can own?” “I am having a hard time understanding your perspective, can you help me fill in some of the gaps?”

Overall, defensiveness, even when worked on, will show up in relationships. This episode offers valuable insights into improving communication, enhancing emotional connection, and navigating defensiveness in relationships. When we are trying to correct protective responses that land on our partner as disconnecting or invalidating, we don’t always have to catch it in the moment—we don’t have to be perfect. Repair is equally as good as preventing. Listeners are encouraged to share their "raw spots" with partners to foster understanding and reduce defensiveness when it occurs.